Mr Universe: An anatomy lesson in dark chocolate

MUMBAI: A funny thing happened on our way to the Mr Universe Championship at Brabourne Stadium on Sunday.
We began to speculate about the competition from other worlds in the universe. What would Mr Venus look like, Mr Uranus or Mr Pluto? Would they out-tricep those from Planet Earth?
But it turns out that the Mr Universe Championship is, in fact, merely for earthlings.And its correct title is the Mr Universe 2003 57th Men’s World Bodybuilding Championship. All competition is coolly eliminated so Mr Earthling can call himself Mr Universe—and they call women vain.
We chat up El Shahat Mabrouk, a seriously sexy, muscular dude from Egypt, with a gum-chewing drawl and blonde crew cut. Does the six-time Mr Universe champ and action star in Egyptian films, like the idea of women doing body building?
“Naver. Naver. Naver. Men should be men and women should be women,’’ he says firmly, struggling for more English words. “For Islam, it’s no problem. For me? Women can do football, powerlifting, okay, okay. But body building, nyah. For men, big muscles good. But women should have symmetry. For women, big arms, big broost, not good.’’
There are 35 finalists and India is nowhere in the picture. A series of neckless men strut onstage and preen away.
Their muscles simply explode from their tanned, sculpted bodies,with the slightest wisps of red chaddis holding their, how is it called, manhood. It seems the human body has at least 800 muscles we never knew existed. And now we are introduced through evenly tanned, well oiled bodies.
In the fitness of these entertainmentdriven times, the competitors must choreograph the poses showing off their muscles to the beat of thudding, chin-chinchak music. So, slightly sheepishly, they change poses to the beat of We will, we will rock you and Made in India. It seems like an anatomy lesson in dark chocolate, a dissection of musculature without the mess. When they strain at a pose, their muscles go poing, their veins stand out like a computer graphics trainee running amok and even their nipples stand erect like missile warheads at the ready.